


Stars, Hide Your Fires

by chittaflakes



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, But they're not a band here whoops, Chan is a good leader, Character Death, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I only somewhat regret writing this, M/M, Some characters are only mentioned - Freeform, This is heavily inspired by The Walking Dead btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 10:13:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13121610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chittaflakes/pseuds/chittaflakes
Summary: “I don’t know, I guess Changbin’s kind of cute?” Felix hated the way his voice raised at the end, almost as if he were asking a question.“That’s what I thought.” Chan leaned back, propping himself up on both arms as he glanced up at the sky. Felix followed his gaze. Clouds drifted through the faint blue like miniature icebergs, and Felix’s ears were once again numb. Chan shifted beside him. “It isn’t a good idea to get attached in a rotter’s world, Lix. Not now.”Felix had been hoping he wouldn’t say that.





	Stars, Hide Your Fires

          Felix couldn't think. He couldn't feel, couldn't focus, couldn't swallow around the stone that had been lodged in his throat for days. It was like his brain was liquified, and his chest cavity had been torn open and stuffed with cotton. The numbness was foreign. Foreign, but welcome nonetheless.

          He lifted his tired eyes from the dirt road. Several steps ahead of him was a rotter, shambling steadily closer with each ragged breath it took. Felix was unfazed. He paused for a moment and watched it draw nearer. It had clearly been dead for quite a while; where its lips should have been remained little more than an open flap of festering flesh. From where he stood, Felix could make out each crooked, yellowing tooth, and the fragments of bone peeking through its cheek. If he looked a little closer he could see the vacancy in its eyes, bloodshot from what must have been months of dirt and worms digging about inside. He could only imagine his own eyes looked equally as empty.

          Once it was close enough to bite, Felix pressed a hand to its chest. It continued to limp along, although it wasn't going anywhere, and Felix would be lying if he said he didn't find it amusing. He stared at it. It stared back. After its gnashing and hissing became more frantic, he brought it to the ground with a swift kick at its leg and plunged a knife deep into its skull. As he had learned over time, aiming for the head was the only surefire way to silence a rotter for good.

          "Felix! Get away from that thing!" called a voice from behind. It sounded breathless, winded. Felix could tell without looking that it belonged to Chan. He remained seated atop the lifeless creature, raising his head in vague acknowledgement. He had no intention of moving from his spot until he heard a furious yell, this time from a voice much raspier, much less patient. He knew it all too well. _Changbin._

          "Get the _fuck_ up, Felix, or I swear I'll-"

          "It's fine, guys. I killed it." Felix rose to his feet without turning around, casting one final glance at the body in the dirt as he wiped his hands off on his jeans. "At least... You get what I mean."

          He yelped in surprise as a strong hand clamped down on the back of his neck. The grip was firm, unrelenting, and it yanked him around before he could protest.

          Changbin's  brow was furrowed with anger, but Felix wasn't afraid. He had known Changbin for years, long before the End befell the world, and he knew better than anyone that Changbin's hair-trigger temper was little more than a mask he wore to hedge his fears. As Felix stood face-to-face with him, he detected the worry Changbin fought so hard to hide.

          "Why the hell did you run out on us? Why didn't you tell us where you were going?" Changbin snarled. He gestured vehemently at the rotter by their feet. "And why the absolute _fuck_ are you screwing around with rotters?"

          Chan finally managed to catch up and was quick to pull Changbin back. Heaving a great sigh, he glanced up at Felix. Chan didn't appear to be angry with him. That was a plus in Felix's book.

          Chan was silent for a moment, oddly contemplative. When he spoke, it was softly, with a hint of fatigue tugging at the edges. "You miss Jeongin, don't you?" His words nipped at something inside Felix. He nodded slowly, gaze dropping. Changbin fidgeted beside him.

          Jeongin  had been a close friend of theirs not too long before, the baby of their group at that. When ash saturated the sunset and darkness fell upon the city before the moon had a chance to rise, Felix, Chan, and Changbin had shut themselves inside an abandoned house along with five other boys. It was there that they stumbled across Jeongin. He hadn't been hostile so they'd taken him in.

          Eventually, the rotters tore down their defences (because rotters _always_ found a way in), and Jeongin was ripped apart on the living room floor. Felix regretted not doing anything to help while he could. As there was a last vestige of optimism within him, he considered it a good thing that Jeongin hadn't had time to scream. That meant he died without pain, and Felix could pretend that made things better.

          Of course, Jeongin wasn't the first to go. Felix tried to forget that.

          Lifting his chin, he met Chan's worried gaze. "Yeah. I know I wasn't the closest to him, but he was like a little brother to me," he murmured. Chan gave a sympathetic nod, lips pressed together tightly. Changbin remained eerily quiet.

          It was Felix who pointed out that Jisung was back at their current residence alone, and it was Chan who hissed breathy profanity before beginning to hurry back in the direction he had come. He did, however, make sure Felix and Changbin were following suit before he strayed too far ahead.

 

 

          Thud. Thud. Thud.

_Felix glanced up from the picture he held in his hands, only to find Changbin already watching him. Concern was dark in his eyes, and Felix felt his heart stop. Rotters. Changbin brought a finger to his lips and looked towards the door as it trembled on its hinges. They’d remembered to lock it. Regardless, Felix knew that wouldn’t hold them off for long._

_Changbin  gave a terse jerk of his head towards the closet, and Felix nodded, hurrying into the tight space with Changbin at his heels._

_“Just stay quiet, got it? Don’t make a sound,” Changbin ordered in a whisper. Once again, Felix did as he was asked. Beside him, he could feel Changbin’s heart thumping in his chest._

_There was a brittle, splintering sound as the door gave way. They wouldn’t have time to warn the others._

_As ravenous groans echoed throughout the halls, a dark shape darted into the room. It was Jeongin. Felix registered the mind-numbing shock manifesting on the boy’s face. He bit into his wrist to muffle his heavy breathing. He heard Changbin gasp softly, and his lungs furled like wet paper as he watched the rotters stumble towards his friend._

_The sharp tang of fresh blood permeated the air._

 

 

          It was nearing dusk by the time they reached the dilapidated house at the top of the hill. The sun had dipped below the horizon, leaving behind little but fiery smudges of light at the skyline. Chan twisted the doorknob and swung open the door, too out of it to think of caution, and was greeted with a startled yelp. This was followed by thundering footsteps and a flurry of irritated mumbling. Jisung appeared at the threshold, palms colliding with Chan's chest, and Chan stumbled backwards.

          "I don't remember asking to be stuck with a bunch of _assholes_ at the end of the world!" Jisung snapped. He was obviously scared beyond his wits, Felix realized, because Jisung raised his voice at them once in a blue moon.

          Out of the four of them, he thought Jisung had handled the End the best. He hadn't exactly known him before it happened, but Jisung was that kind of cheerful that made Felix forget the nature of the world they lived in, if only for a little while. Nobody else managed to be so ebullient quite as often as he did. Sure, maybe he was a little paranoid and a lot overprotective, but he was happy as far as anyone else knew. That counted for something.

          Chan blinked at Jisung with wide eyes, hands raised in capitulation. "Sorry, Jisung. I really am." He made pleading eye contact with Changbin. " _We're_ sorry. Just Felix ran off and I didn't know what to do, and I figured you'd be safe in here, and-"

          "It's all right," Jisung reassured with a sigh as he rubbed his eyes. "I was just worried about you, that's all." His eyes flicked over each of them in turn, and he arched an eyebrow. "You handled things okay? Everything's fine now?"

          Felix heard Changbin snort. He muttered something along the lines of, _nothing's fine in this world anymore._ Felix hated to admit it, but he had a point. They were surrounded by violence and decay all the time, even when unaware of it. Nothing could be worse than that.

          Except, of course, when they were forced to face it. That had to be worse.

          "Felix isn't dead, if that's what you're asking," Chan halfheartedly chuckled, running a hand over his face as he made his way inside. Felix was behind him, and Changbin came in at the rear. He gingerly shut the door.

          If there was one thing Felix appreciated about their frequent change of surroundings, it was the lack of memories that came with it. He could step into a house with only three of his eight friends and not constantly be reminded of that night. Yet no matter how hard he tried to fight it, their faces still managed to appear in his thoughts every now and again. He had to stop and catch himself sometimes, because they had a funny way of sneaking in without him realizing.

          "How are you holding up?" Chan's question came suddenly. At first, Felix wasn't sure who it was directed to. Chan's head was buried in his hands. But he saw the smile drop from Jisung's face, and he heard Changbin's snort. Everyone knew what he was asking. Everyone knew he shouldn't have asked it.

          "I'm..." Jisung trailed off. "I'm doing okay." The tremor in his voice betrayed him, and Felix sensed the tears coming before he dipped his head. Jisung had been the one most affected by Jeongin's death. Hell, they all ached inside, but nothing Felix knew they felt could compare to the hysteria Jisung had been flung into. The others were surely dead as well; they had been with Minho as he bashed his own head in after receiving a nasty bite from a rotter, and no one had seen Woojin, Seungmin, or Hyunjin since that night. The only difference was that Jeongin was devoured unnecessarily. There was _something_ they could have done to prevent his slaughter.

          The others were lost in the chaos.

          Felix was brought to attention by a flicker of movement in his peripheral. He glanced up, briefly wishing they had put some sort of cover over the window in case of another herd, but was shocked to see a boy scurrying out from the tree line.

          "Guys," he hissed, jerking his head towards the window. Changbin shot up and peered through the dusty glass, blood draining from his cheeks as he turned to stare down at Felix. His eyes flicked back up to the window.

          "That damn kid's leading rotters straight to us.”

          Chan shot up out of his seat. "Then we have to help him! How many are there?" He began to hurry over, but Changbin whipped around and shook his head, jaw clenched.

          " _Hell_ no. We're not helping him," he spat, pushing Chan back into the chair. "We're gonna wait until the rotters are busy snacking on him, then run." He was already in the process of shoving food into a bag, hands darting about the counter with anxious speed.

          Felix frowned. "But what if he can help us? We can probably get rid of them, there aren't that many."

          "Exactly!" Standing up again, Chan stormed for the door and snatched a knife from his belt. He paused where he was and glanced around the room. His chest heaved. "Well? Aren't you guys coming?"

          Felix opened his mouth to reply, but he was silenced with a sharp glare from Changbin. He sheepishly shook his head. Part of him wanted to side with Chan, to rush outside and save that boy, but the other part of him could see where Changbin was coming from. He wasn't doing a good job at articulating it, but Felix could tell that he was afraid. He didn't want them to suffer the same fate as the others. Felix didn't either.

          "Fine. I'll go on my own, then," Chan muttered, and he wrenched the door open. He was barely one step outside when a tense gesture from Changbin sent Jisung out after him. Jisung dragged him back by the wrist, slamming the door shut and guarding it warily. Felix winced at the penetrating sound. If the rotters weren't so preoccupied with the boy, he'd be terrified.

          "No one's leaving, got it?" Changbin hissed, marching up to Chan and jabbing a finger at his chest. "I'd rather he die than one of you. Just..." He sighed. For the second time that day, Felix caught a glimpse of vulnerability through his nonchalant facade. "Just stay put."

          Chan was about to come back with a sharp retort, but Jisung's voice cut through the tension. "It doesn't matter now, guys. They got him."

          Shoulders heavy, Felix made his way to Jisung's side. He was right. Whatever it was the rotters were tearing into, it wasn't alive anymore, and the boy was nowhere to be seen. His heart sank. No matter what they chose to do, regret would have come of it. Felix tried to remind himself of that.

          There was a knock at the door. Everyone froze. Despite their silence, the sound came again, and Felix's stomach dropped. He glanced at Changbin. He was already nodding at Jisung, a small shrug lifting his shoulders.

          "Go ahead, open it. It wouldn't sound so patient if it were a rotter."

          He had a point. Felix nodded his consent, but when Jisung looked to Chan for approval, he received none. Chan had his back to them. Felix felt a pang of guilt, but he brushed it off. It was nothing they wouldn’t be able to fix later.

          Jisung opened the door anyway. Within seconds, he was in a crumpled heap on the floor. Felix saw the shot before he heard it, and there was _blood, lots of blood,_ and Chan was yelling something behind him. He hurriedly got up and dropped down beside the limp body, wiping at a wet splatter on the tip of his nose as he did so. He looked down at his sleeve. _More blood._

          There was a young man in the doorway, but he wasn’t the same one as before. Where the former boy was broad, this one was thin, a series of poorly-healed scars disfiguring the left side of his handsome face. His beauty was almost calming, but the look in his eyes contrasted greatly; it was venomous and dark, and it nearly knocked the wind out of Felix.

          He felt Jisung’s blood cooling on his cheeks.

          The boy grasped a shotgun tightly in his two hands, and it suddenly dawned on Felix that it had been the source of the deafening _bang._ It was what had killed Jisung, and it was pointed right at him.

          “I saw you watching,” the boy growled. His tongue darted out to wet his lips. “That kid you just let die? He was with me. I was too far behind, I couldn’t have got to him in time, I…” He paused. He blinked once, then twice. When he started to speak again, his voice was small. “You guys could have tried. But you didn’t.” He was staring blatantly at Chan now, bottom lip trembling, his brow creased.

          It seemed like he was about to continue, but Changbin was upon him in an instant. He furiously seized the weapon from the boy and another gunshot rang through the air. Felix squeezed his eyes shut. He heard a crash, followed by a strangled whimper. When he opened his eyes, the boy was curled up in front of him, clutching his foot. Felix could see the agony drawn tight over his features. He almost felt remorseful. There was something familiar about this boy, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

          Changbin crouched in front of him, expression fierce as he spat, “When you started fucking around with this little toy of yours,” he tapped the gun twice on the blood-slick floorboards, "you attracted a lot of unwanted attention. You’re gonna help us get rid of it.”

          And with that, Changbin grabbed the boy’s wrists and began dragging him outside. When Felix checked through the window, he realized with a jolt that the rotters were only a little way off from the house. They must have been attracted by the gunshots. The boy was gurgling something incoherent around a mouthful of blood – Felix guessed Changbin had something to do with that – and struggling to free himself from the vicelike grip around his arms. Felix already knew it would be a fruitless waste of energy.

          “Changbin, stop!” Chan brushed past him and raced through the door. “Wait, that’s-“

          Felix watched the boy being dragged through a mess of dirt and blood. He stared at his one good eye, his twisting limbs, the marks scored over his cheeks. Despite all that, the sense of familiarity he gave Felix was indescribable.

          Felix’s heart stopped. _Hyunjin._

          By the time he’d realized, it was too late. Rotters were descending upon Hyunjin like a pack of starved wolves. Felix’s breath caught in his throat. He didn’t know how he’d live with himself if he didn’t at least try to do something, anything. He dove into the fray despite his mind screaming at him not to.

          Hyunjin was his friend. Hyunjin was good. If he didn’t hurry up, Hyunjin would die.

          The rotters were vicious. They swiped and they grated their decaying teeth, nothing but an innate craving for flesh driving them in their attack. Stubbornly, Felix kicked at their faces and shoved them to the ground, but they were unrelenting. They kept on crawling forwards. He was at least relieved that Hyunjin was still alive and fighting beside him despite his injury. If he weren’t, Felix was almost certain they’d both be more than a little bit screwed.

          It was several moments later Felix noticed they had help. Changbin was persistently slamming Hyunjin’s gun into the rotters’ heads, each brutal swing punctuated with a wet thud. A few feet over, Chan had taken to driving his knife into every rotting scalp he could reach.

          Their struggle was over soon after. There hadn’t been many rotters to begin with. Felix was clammy, and caked with blood and grime. Hyunjin lay panting beside him. Above him, Changbin leered with his hands folded firmly over his chest.

           “Why’d you do that? You could’ve died.”

 _So he doesn’t know yet,_ Felix thought with an inward sigh. _Of course he doesn’t._

          “Hyunjin,” he replied brusquely. He gestured to the boy gasping at his side. “Changbin, that’s Hyunjin.” The recognition emerging on Changbin’s face was priceless. He blinked, lips parting in surprise, and Felix could feel a smile growing on his lips despite the way his body ached.

          Hyunjin sat upright and wiped his forehead with the back of his muddy sleeve. “Wait, Changbin? I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you sooner,” he said between heavy inhales. “Hell, I can’t believe _you_ didn’t recognize _me_ sooner.”

          “You’ve kind of got a few new additions to your face,” Chan remarked, half a grin on his face as he mimicked dragging his nails over his eye. His smile faded. “Oh, and you shot Jisung.”

          Felix heaved a sigh. Jisung was gone too. He knew he’d grieve later, but in that moment, his muscles throbbed and his chest felt numb. He was devoid of the capacity to feel much beyond exhaustion.

          “And you let Seungmin get devoured by rotters, so I guess we’re even,” Hyunjin muttered under his breath.

 _Oh._ So Seungmin had survived that night as well. At least, Felix thought, he’d predicted Seungmin was dead all along, so he was well prepared for the blow. He ignored the part of his mind insisting it was partially his fault.

          “Let’s just get inside before we all get killed,” Changbin muttered darkly as he trudged back up the slope, not forgetting to toss Hyunjin’s gun to the grass at his feet. When Felix went to pick it up, the dried blood staining its surface flaked to the ground.

 

 

          Changbin began acting strangely around Felix after that. Then again, it was difficult for Felix to tell; Changbin hadn’t exactly been spending enough time with him for him to judge. All he knew was that Changbin didn’t smile at him anymore, nor did he eat, share, or talk with him. He didn’t even offer any hugs, but Felix reminded himself that Changbin had never been a particularly affectionate person.

          He was only really bothered by this sudden change in behaviour because of its timing. It was almost as if Changbin knew. Felix had begun to feel things more than platonic for him not too long before the End, and the trauma that came with the spread of infection only fortified the way he felt. Regrettably, Changbin wasn’t the type of person to rely on others. When the world began its interminable battle against the undead, he grew inwards, becoming steadily more distant as the weeks dragged by. Eventually, the only way Felix knew his friend was still in there was by catching glimpses of his fear whenever disaster would strike. Needless to say, it wasn’t how he had hoped things would be.

          “Are you feeling okay?” Felix inquired one day as he sat across from Changbin at the table, both of them nibbling on a stale loaf of bread. Changbin only briefly peered up from his meal before looking away again. He didn’t respond. Agitated, Felix got up from his seat and walked away. He didn’t see any point in pushing if Changbin didn’t want to talk to him.

          That didn’t mean it stung any less.

 

 

          The sky outside was an icy blue, fitting for the time of year it was. Frost clung to the blades of grass beneath him. His breath escaped him in visible puffs. Despite the biting chill the breeze carried, Felix felt himself sweating, body almost uncomfortably warm beneath his thin jacket.

          He had always enjoyed spending time outside during the winter, as the drop in temperature both soothed him and helped defog his mind. The winters he’d experienced in Australia were certainly warmer, but Felix found he appreciated South Korean winters much more. Cold seasons at home offered respite from the typical sweltering heat of his country; in Korea, the weather grew more frigid, and he was rejuvenated by the numbness in the tips of his fingers.

          Felix heard the ground crunch behind him. He whipped around.

          “Relax, it’s only me. I’m not going to eat you,” Chan reassured with a soft smile. He settled down on the grass and patted the space next to him. Felix sat down without a word. “You’ve been spending more time out here lately. What’s got you so wound up, huh?” he asked, and Felix gratefully noted his transition to English.

          “Promise you won’t judge?” Spurred on by Chan’s firm nod, Felix continued, “I guess I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. About, uh… people? Like Changbin?” He mumbled the last part into his sleeves, disguising his embarrassment with a feigned yawn. Chan caught on regardless.

           “And what about him is worth all this confusion?” Chan chuckled as he playfully nudged Felix. Irritatingly, it was evident he knew exactly what Felix was trying to say. He just wanted to hear him say it.

          Felix’s ears suddenly felt hot, but he wasn’t thankful for the gain of feeling. He awkwardly cleared his throat. “I don’t know, I guess he’s kind of cute?” He hated the way his voice raised at the end, almost as if he were asking a question.

          “That’s what I thought.” Chan leaned back, propping himself up on both arms as he glanced up at the sky. Felix followed his gaze. Clouds drifted through the faint blue like miniature icebergs, and Felix’s ears were once again numb. Chan shifted beside him. “It isn’t a good idea to get attached in a world like this, Lix. Not anymore.”

          Felix had been hoping he wouldn’t say that.

          Heaving a forlorn groan, Felix leaned all the way back, ignoring the way the ice made the grass prickle against his nape. “I know. But it doesn’t matter anyway, ‘cause he’s been distant lately.”

          “You mean more distant than usual?" Chan asked, brow furrowed. Felix hummed his confirmation. Turning his head to stare down at Felix, Chan narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure? He seems perfectly normal to me.”

          Felix gave an exasperated snort and closed his eyes. “Great. So he only hates me, then.” The list of things he wished Chan hadn’t said continued to grow.

          Changbin _hating_ him wasn’t an idea Felix could fathom. Dislike was one thing; they’d had their fair share of fights over the years, and it was more often than not Felix who apologized to a stubborn Changbin. They’d encountered frequent disagreements and the occasional exchange of passive-aggressive comments (Changbin’s annoyance with him typically lasted quite a while after these), but Felix could confidently say Changbin had never hated him. He had never hated Changbin, either. He couldn’t.

          “I wouldn’t go as far as to say that.” Chan placed his hand on Felix’s stomach and rubbed it gingerly, in a manner he presumably intended to be soothing. “I’ll admit it’s an awkward situation, though. Just give him some time,” he advised, stiffly getting to his feet. “It’ll all be better soon.”

 

 

          Giving Changbin time ended up being Felix cornering him in their criminally confined living room. Guaranteed it wasn’t the best plan of action, but Felix was growing impatient, and Changbin’s silence had grown to be unbearable.

          Changbin glared up at him fiercely, hands balled into fists at his sides. “Fucking move, kid. I have to go,” he grunted. Felix considered this half a win, because those were the first words Changbin had said to him in days.

          “Not until you tell me why you’ve been ignoring me,” Felix replied, unsuccessful in his attempts to keep his voice steady.

          Changbin merely rolled his eyes, folded his arms over his chest, and slumped down against the grimy back of the couch. Felix bit his lip. If even trapping Changbin couldn’t encourage him to open up, then he didn’t know what would. He was pleasantly surprised when Changbin’s gaze lifted.

          “We were there. We were there, Felix, and we didn’t do anything,” he mumbled. His words sounded scratchy, almost as if they were clawing their way from his throat. It took Felix a moment, but it finally dawned on him. He was talking about Jeongin. When Felix opened his mouth, Changbin raised a hand to silence him. “We hid there in that very room, and we _watched_ him die.” His voice cracked as it rose in volume and pitch, and Felix was suddenly overwhelmed with regret. He shouldn’t have pressed so much. “It’s like Hyunjin said. We could have helped, but we didn’t.”

          “I know, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do now.” Felix averted his eyes, bottom lip drawn anxiously between his teeth. Jeongin’s death wasn’t an event he’d felt particularly culpable for before. However, now that Changbin was painting it in a new light, something rather unpleasant weighed on his chest. He found it difficult to breathe. _They_ hid while Jeongin was killed. _They_ watched it all happen. They didn’t do all they could, and they preserved their own lives over Jeongin’s. Over Minho’s. Over Seungmin’s. Tears pricked at his eyes. At some point during his lament, Changbin had begun to cry as well, and if Felix hadn’t felt wretched before, he certainly did now.

          “You don’t get it,” Changbin hiccupped between sobs, burying his face in his hands. “I told you to keep running when Minho was bitten. I told you to hide when the rotters attacked Jeongin. I told you to stay in the house when Seungmin was being chased. Fuck, _I_ told Jisung to open that damn door, and then-“ He was cut off as a fresh bout of tears struck him.

          Felix pulled Changbin against his chest and nuzzled his face into his dark hair, body trembling as he held Changbin close. His own tears were hot on his cheeks and burned as they slid over his skin, but Changbin’s were cold where they soaked into the shoulder of his jacket. Felix cried until his sobs were dry, until his head ached with pressure, until he could hardly draw another breath. Changbin convulsed in his arms all the while, heart-wrenching whimpers escaping him.

          By the time they had finally calmed down, the moon was a bright crescent hovering above the trees. The room they were huddled in was bathed in shadow. Outside, a lone rotter shambled across the grass, hissing by the window. Felix was numb. The sharp pain in his heart had dwindled to a dull ache, and his cheeks felt uncomfortably sticky with the tears that dried on them. Changbin silently looked up at him before releasing an almost inaudible sigh.

          That night, Felix fell asleep with Changbin’s chest pressing warmth against his back.

 

 

          “So what happened to Woojin?” Felix asked through a mouthful of canned beans. Woojin was the only one of his friends he didn’t know the gruesome fate of, and while he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, he could find solace in an end to his curiosity.

           Hyunjin swallowed thickly. To Felix, it seemed like he was having difficulty stomaching the tasteless food. “He made it out of the house with Seungmin and me,” he began, “but he cut his leg on a strip of barbed wire when we were climbing over a fence. We didn’t have the stuff to treat it, so he died of an infection pretty early on.”

          Felix didn’t care to ask what they did with his body.

          It had been less than a day since they’d discovered Hyunjin, and he was already accustomed to their way of life. It was almost like he’d never left. A lesser period of time had passed since Felix saw Changbin break down for the first time, but it was another one of those things they didn’t talk about; Changbin would surely have his head if he tried. Despite this, their bond had been bolstered because of it. Changbin went hunting with him and cleaned his wounds. Sometimes, when he thought everyone else was asleep, he’d lay down beside Felix and wrap his arms around him. Felix liked this the most. Changbin wasn’t particularly vocal about the way he felt, but he did the best he could at expressing himself with unnecessary actions and touches that were barely there.

          It didn’t come as a shock to Felix when Chan pulled him aside one day, insisting that he only wanted to talk.

 _Yeah, right,_ Felix thought.

          “You and Changbin,” was all he said. When Felix prompted him with an uncertain frown, he continued, “You’re different now. Are you two together?”

          Startled and slightly flustered, Felix rapidly shook his head, a nervous chuckle slipping from him. “No, no we’re not-“

          “I’m not trying to say you’re not allowed to be. Just make up your minds soon, yeah? You’re going to run into problems if your biggest concern is whether the boy you like is into you or not.” What Chan said sounded harsh to Felix’s ears, but the expression on his face was one of genuine concern. Felix understood. With the world worn from months of vain survival, their group was left to provide for themselves. They needed to keep going. If he, as Chan put it, _wasted his time chasing boys,_ he wouldn’t get anything done. If that were to happen, then he wouldn’t make it through much more, plain and simple.

          Despondent and exhausted, Felix trudged into the separate room he shared with the others. It seemed to him that his low spirits had roused Changbin, for he stirred where he was settled and turned to watch Felix lay down beside him.

          “What was all that about?” he asked groggily as he rubbed a hand over his face.

          “Stuff,” Felix replied. Changbin inquisitively arched an eyebrow but Felix chose to ignore him, rolling onto his side and facing the wall. He heard Changbin scoff behind him.

          “Wow, you’re a little ray of sunshine tonight, aren’t you?” His tone was laced with blatant sarcasm that again, Felix selectively ignored. Changbin took a deep breath. “You’re gonna have to be more specific than that.” When he received no answer, he shuffled closer, planting his hand on the dusty floor beside Felix’s head and leaning over his curled-up body to look at his face. “Do I have to trap you in here with me to get you to talk?”

          Felix couldn’t help but smile at that. He shifted onto his back, brushing his hair out of his eyes as he did so. “You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

          Changbin gave a soft chuckle and shook his head. “No way. Now tell me what’s got you so grumpy.”

          “I’m not that upset,” Felix insisted. “I’m just… I don’t know, really. I think I realized how uncertain our time left here is. It’s like there isn’t any room to really _feel_ things these days, ‘cause the second we stop paying attention is the second we die.”

          Changbin’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully and he glanced away for a moment, gaze flickering to the window before back down to Felix. “I know what you mean. Chan gave me the exact same spiel the other day.”

          Feeling a grin beginning to surface, Felix sat up, regarding Changbin with feigned mockery. “You mean to tell me _Seo Changbin_ can actually feel?” he teased, earning his chest a halfhearted push.

          “Yeah, yeah. Rub it in why don’t you.” Changbin rolled his eyes, but Felix caught a glimpse of the smile he was trying to suppress.

          “Since you harassed me into telling you about my feelings, shouldn’t you tell me about yours?” Felix suggested. At this, Changbin tensed, biting his lip.

          “Not fair, Felix. We’re already even,” he mumbled, but it was evident he wasn’t going to put up a fight. With a pleading look from Felix, he conceded. “If you really want to know, I’ll tell you. Just don’t get weird about it.”

          “C’mon, how long have we known each other? Nothing you could possibly say would freak me out at this point.” Felix raised his hand, three fingers lifted. “Scout’s honour.”

          “Shut up, this is serious!” Changbin whined as he swatted at Felix’s hand.

          “Right, sorry.” Felix folded his hands in his lap and straightened his back, nodding at Changbin. He mentally berated himself for it afterwards, because it seemed to him that regardless of what he did, it came across as playfully derisive. He could see it in the way Changbin glared at him.

          “So I might have grown attached to you for reasons not completely platonic. You’re adorable and stupid, and without Jisung around-” He paused to take a breath, and Felix found it simultaneously endearing and heartbreaking. Changbin was blushing all the way down to his collarbones, but his voice dulled at the mention of Jisung, and he dropped his gaze. Despite the heat in his own cheeks, Felix felt a sharp stab of remorse. He silently hoped Changbin didn’t still feel responsible.

          After a brief silence, Changbin continued, “Without Jisung around, you’re kind of the only thing keeping this place bright. No disrespect to Chan or Hyunjin, but they’re both too bogged down by all of this to make things less unbearable.”

          For the first time in what felt like months, Felix’s inability to breathe didn’t stem from anxiety. He quickly realized he was wringing his hands in his lap. While a part of him had suspected his feelings for Changbin weren’t entirely unreciprocated, he hadn’t expected Changbin would confirm it nearly unprompted. He thought he’d have to be the one to confess.

          Despite the relief surging through his chest, Felix also felt uncertain.

          “I like you too, y’know. A lot. But what do you want from this? Are we dating now? Is it even a good idea?” He knew he was rambling, but at least he wasn’t the only one who didn’t have a clue what he was doing; Changbin appeared equally as nervous.

          “It’s not a good idea, trust me on that,” Changbin muttered. “It may be selfish, but I want to try. If you don’t want to, though-“

          “I do. God, you have no idea how much I do.” Felix didn’t know what it was, but something beyond his control was urging him to spill his heart to Changbin. He couldn’t grasp at the words to describe what he felt, so he kissed him instead. Leaning in, he gingerly pressed his lips against Changbin’s, reaching forward to cup his jaw. To his relief, Changbin reacted confidently, although Felix knew he was just as nervous as he was. He pressed closer to Changbin’s warmth, free hand resting on his thigh, smiling against the lips moving with his. He was peacefully overwhelmed, and it sent fireworks bursting behind his eyelids. The rhythm of his heart sped up.

          Through the rip in Changbin’s jeans, his skin was cold to the touch.

 

 

          Felix awoke the next morning to Chan standing above him. His eyebrows were raised questioningly, and Felix soon felt the weight of Changbin’s arms around his middle. He awkwardly swallowed and offered a shrug.

          “Sorry?” was all Felix could whisper, not wanting to disturb Changbin. He was surprised he hadn’t done so yet, because Changbin was one of the lightest sleepers he knew. Felix couldn’t believe he wasn’t already wide awake.

          Chan clicked his tongue, and Felix could almost see the cogs turning in his mind. Eventually, he chuckled to himself and crouched down beside Felix. “Congrats, Lix,” he said with a grin. In contrast to the tone of his voice, his eyes were sad, and Felix couldn’t help but feel as if he’d done something wrong.

          There was a similar air of morbid contentment in the kitchen when Felix finally managed to drag Changbin out from under his blanket. Hyunjin sat at the table, glancing up as they waddled in, still half asleep. He snickered, but said nothing. Felix was grateful.

          “We’re going on a supply run today,” Chan explained as he settled into the seat beside Hyunjin. Felix blamed the heavy atmosphere on that. “Two of us should go, and two of us should stay. Any volunteers?”

          Lethargically, Changbin lifted his chin. “I can stay back on my own. It’s not a problem,” he offered. Felix thought it brave of him to venture to be alone, especially since Chan preferred getting as many people as he could to join him on supply runs. If only one of them stayed back then three of them could go. However, Felix was perturbed by the thought of Changbin on his own for two reasons: the first being obvious, as there were rotters and gangs around every corner. The other reason he felt strange was because of how weary Changbin seemed that morning. He appeared tense and irritable, and Felix would be lying if he said the sight evoked no concern in him. Neither Chan nor Hyunjin noticed anything was amiss. If they did, they didn’t comment on it.

          “Are you sure you’re up for it? Do you want me to stay here with you?” Felix whispered once the other two had begun a hushed conversation amongst themselves.

          The corners of Changbin’s mouth twitched with the beginnings of a smirk. “I’ll be fine, Felix. I’m only tired ‘cause I stayed up all night talking to your dumb ass.”

          Felix laughed at that. Perhaps they had gotten a little distracted, but he appreciated the time they shared. It seemed to him that he got to discover a whole new layer of Changbin’s being that years of regular friendship never would have unveiled.

          “If you say so. Just be careful, okay? Keep the gun on you,” he advised. When Chan and Hyunjin were truly no longer paying attention, he bent down to press a quick peck to Changbin’s forehead.

          “I will,” Changbin promised, hand sliding around Felix’s waist. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “Stay safe, sunshine.” Changbin’s fingertips felt like ice against the small of his back.

 

 

          The supply run had been easy enough at first. Hyunjin’s limp didn’t hinder him from helping. The small, sleepy town they’d wandered into was quiet, and the air was thick and dry, like rain hadn’t fallen in months. If Felix really thought about it, he supposed it hadn’t.

          The first rotter they encountered was a sluggish one, plodding unsteadily down the road towards them. Its foot eventually became caught in a pothole. Almost effortlessly, Chan took it out with a baseball bat. Once again, Felix found himself splattered with sticky blood.

          “What are we even trying to get again?” he groused, scurrying to keep up with the others.

          “Anything we can use,” Hyunjin replied evenly as he scanned the streets for more rotters. Detecting one, he was quick to dig the blade of his knife into the side of its head. It crumpled into a heap at his feet, and Felix was partially grateful for the clean attack. It meant less mess for him. “Food, medicine, weapons…” Hyunjin rummaged through its pockets, frowning, before withdrawing a nearly empty bottle of Tylenol. “These seem pretty pointless now, but you never know when someone’s going to get stabbed.” The pills inside rattled against the plastic as he shoved them into his bag.

          It wasn’t long before they had gathered all sorts of things. Chan discovered a plethora of canned foods, Hyunjin came across a collection of bandages that hadn’t yet been pilfered, and Felix found some extra blankets. As late into the year as it was, none of them had been expecting to leave with so much.

          On the downside, the number of rotters they encountered on the journey back had almost doubled. Felix found it arduous to fight his way through them with his arms full. He was again thankful for the frigid weather, for it had done its part in slowing them down.

          “Just a little more,” came Chan’s voice from up ahead, and Felix heaved a sigh, steeling himself against the upward slope of the dirt road.

          As they neared the house, Felix realized something was terribly wrong. Upon closer inspection, he noticed the door was wide open. Chan had noticed it too. Swearing loudly, he sprinted up the hill, Hyunjin and Felix following not far behind.

          “Is he in there?” Felix panted. Dread seeped into his chest, weighing dark and heavy on his heart. He hoped Changbin was okay. Part of him knew he wasn’t. Breath escaping him in rapid bursts, Felix was suddenly lightheaded, his lungs unable to refill as quickly as they emptied.

          Hyunjin  gasped softly behind him. Chan reappeared at the doorstep. The blood drained from his face, wide eyes staring past Felix.

          He turned around. His throat constricted.

          “Changbin,” he croaked on an exhale, and that was the end of the oxygen within him. Something inside him imploded. Suffused with an ache both muted and sharp, Felix stumbled forwards.

          Changbin limped towards him, but he wasn’t quite himself. His skin was pallid. His stare was bleak. On his thigh, now barely visible through a rip in his jeans, was the edge of an infected bite. It wasn’t new. Felix didn’t know why he hadn’t noticed it before.

_The rotters were vicious. They swiped and they grated their decaying teeth, nothing but an innate craving for flesh driving them in their attack. Stubbornly, Felix kicked at their faces and shoved them to the ground, but they were unrelenting. They kept on crawling forwards. He was at least relieved that Hyunjin was still alive and fighting beside him despite his injury._

_It was several moments later Felix noticed they had help. Changbin was persistently slamming Hyunjin’s gun into the rotters’ heads._

          In his mind, recollections of his struggle to save Hyunjin resurfaced. Changbin had helped. After that was when he began to change, and he became withdrawn. Felix felt like an idiot for not paying enough attention.

_“I like you too, y’know. A lot. But what do you want from this? Are we dating now? Is it even a good idea?” He knew he was rambling, but at least he wasn’t the only one who didn’t have a clue what he was doing; Changbin appeared equally as nervous._

_“It’s not a good idea, trust me on that,” Changbin muttered. “It may be selfish, but I want to try.”_

          “Felix, come back-“ Hyunjin began, but Felix heard Chan hush him.

          “Fuck, Changbin…” He wasn’t sure when he’d started to cry, but soon enough he found that mucus and salty tears had mingled with the crimson smeared across his cheeks. His shoulders shook, and his chest throbbed like it had been cleaved in two. The rancid stench of rotting flesh overwhelmed his senses. Changbin continued to move towards him, entirely unaffected. Felix choked on a gut-wrenching sob.

          Up close, he could no longer pretend this was the same boy he had kissed only hours before. There was no warmth about him. There was no softness hidden behind an air of indifference. There was only vicious, unadulterated hunger, and fear swelled in the pit of Felix’s stomach. He inhaled deeply and brushed his fingers along Changbin’s cheek. It was ice cold. Felix couldn’t remember the last time Changbin’s skin had felt warm.

          “Stop! Felix, stop!” He couldn’t tell who was screaming over the pounding in his skull.

          Felix couldn't think. He couldn't feel, couldn't focus, couldn't swallow. Blunt teeth dug into the flesh of his throat.

          The last thing his mind registered as the edges of his vision began to fade was searing pain and hot, thick blood spilling down his neck.

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this after ot8 was a thing (i was in excruciating pain bc mINHO) and my lazy ass only managed to finish when we got ot9 again
> 
> thANK you so much for reading this, i'm so thankful ;; hopefully this is comprehensible, i mostly wrote it when i should have been sleeping so yeah
> 
> as it says in the tags, this mess was inspired by my undying love for twd and sadness, and the title came from a quote from shakespeare's macbeth ;)


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